I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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