He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
