you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
