In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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