I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
