MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
