Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
