pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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