i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
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