just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
