I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
