If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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