i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
