could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
