u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize