I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
