guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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