That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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