I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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