Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
