How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
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