Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sarcasm needs its own font
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
