Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
