I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
