So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
