Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
