While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
