you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
