Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
