Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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