areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
