When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
