you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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