Already got asked if we're dating
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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