what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
