The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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