your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
