All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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