I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
