I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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