ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
