I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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