and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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