For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize