I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
