Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
