a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
