Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
