What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
