oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
