I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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