I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
