FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize