im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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