At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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