Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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