Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
