just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
