this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
