You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
