My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
