i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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